Joke thread

[Whippit]

Ferrari Pit Crews

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team sacked its entire pit crew yesterday. The
announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK
Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from Liverpool.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how
unemployed youths from Liverpool area were able to remove a set of
wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's
existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds, even with millions of Euros worth of
high tech equipment.

Prime Minister Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move
by the Ferrari management, which demonstrated the international
recognition of the UK under New Labour.

As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now have the
advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for.

At the crew's first practice session, the Liverpool pit crew
successfully changed the tyres in under 6 seconds.

But, within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the
vehicle to the McLaren Team for a dozen bottles of Stella, a kilo of cannabis
and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.

now thats racist 

[Murph]

I was on the Adrian Flux website earlier when I stumbled across these on their blog!

Want to help people find a therapist or counsellor? Why not set up a website called
www.therapistfinder.com

Sell pens under the name Pen Island? Well your domain has to be
www.penisland.net

Italian battery manufacturer? That'll be
www.powergenitalia.com

Australian native plant nursery based in Mole Station, NSW?
www.molestationnursery.com

A site for programming experts can swap their knowledge?
www.expertsexchange.com

Looking to find an agent who represents a particular celebrity? Do a search at
www.whorepresents.com

Building a website for the First United Methodist Church in Cumming, Georgia? You'd better buy
www.cummingfirst.com

Central heating design service?
www.gasheating.co.uk

Storage company based in Cumbria?
www.cumstore.co.uk

[defold-git]

this site may add a little fun to your images.

http://www.captionbubble.com/showImage.php?image=89da07dda871713c53d3cd90db49ba45.jpg

[king nero]

Having problems with windows ?

[Dave the Builder]

 the dreaded "blue screen of death"..

 Them where the days 

[Murph]

You can still get them on XP but its bloody difficult!

[carltonman]

re PC Advice on another post I made, I Had the Blue Screen come up and then the PC died. Have Windows XP. Related by chance?

Please post on my other request.

[melinx]

LOTUS lollipop for sale.
Lollipop from under back seat of Lotus Carlton; mileage unknown but only lightly sucked £10 !

[Pedro]

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.

You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it

didn't move."

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said,

"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door

until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,

"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son

of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was,

two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class,

"And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said,

"I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
_________________

[Dave the Builder]

Paddy takes his new second hand car back to the garage and complains to the salesman that the car "wont go past 60 up our hill".

Why bjessus do you want to go past 60 up your hill for asks the salesman.

Because I live at 74 says Paddy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 

Paddy & Murphy are walking through this wood, when they see a sign saying 'tree fellers wanted'. Paddy turns to murphy, says 'Ah, 'Tis a shame there's only two of us!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

a man walks into a pub with a parrot on his shoulder and a bip ginger tomcat under his arm
"pint of bitter" said the man
"and for me" skwalked the parrot
"and for me, But I`m not paying" said the tomcat

so the barman lined up 3 pints

"here you go, keep the change" said the man handing over a twenty

after a few rounds the barman asked " Whats with the cat and parrot?"

"Well" said the man"Bought a lamp and as I was cleaning it a Genie popped up with the old 3 wish thing, First wish was for loads of money"

"thats the twenties explained" said the barman,"what about the cat and parrot?"

"then I asked for a classy bird with a tight pussy and got lumbered with these two!!" replied the man
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A visitor walks into a pub in an old Welsh mining village. He sits at the bar, orders a pint, and takes his first malty sip.

A few minutes later, a large burly man with coal dust round his eyes, gets up from a crowded table of similar men and goes up to the bar. "Same again love, and one for Gareth in the corner". The visitor tries casually to look in the direction the man was indicating, but it's so gloomy he can only make out the vague shape of a huddled figure.

10 minutes later another man gets up from the table; "Same again, love, and one for Gareth in the corner".

This time the visitor squints his eyes - and stops in mid-sip at what he can just make out; a hideously squat and deformed shape of a man, flattened head, crumpled clothing, half the height of the men at the other table. And his face! His nose was spread across both cheeks; fat lips so scarred that he had to drink the offered pints through a staw.

After the man returned to his table with the drinks, the visitor leant towards the barmaid and quietly asked who the man in the cormer was.

"You mean Gareth?"

"Yes, what happened to him?!"

"Well, 5 years ago he was working down the mine with the men you see there. One night there was a dreadful accident; an explosion deep down inside the bowels of the mine. The walls fell in and the men had to run for their lives. Just when they thought they had made it to the lift shaft, the ceiling began to collapse in on them."

The visitor sat listening, mouth agape.

She went on "Gareth, there, held up the beams of the ceiling until every single man got out safely. By the time the last man got out, the ceiling had collapsed to half its height; Gareth had to be pulled out from under a beam. Ever since then, the men buy him a pint each time they have one themselves."

"Wow", said the visitor, "What a courageous man. And that explains his squashed appearance. But, what happened to his face?"

"Oh that's where the men sledge-hammered him into place."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two monkeys in a bath....one said "ooh aah ooh ooh aah"
the other replied "well put some cold in then"



 
 

[Dave the Builder]

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their
parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying
hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the
front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the
Eggs got broken.

"What's the morale of that story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all
your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are Farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs,
but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this
story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
"That was a fine story Sarah."


Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Barabara.


Auntie Barbara was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her
plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had
was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the
whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right
in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the
machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more
with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten
with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did
your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"







"Stay the f**k away from Aunty Barbara when she's been drinking."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was at the cash point the other day and this old lady came up
 and asked if i could check her balance..

so i pushed her over....

[flash911]

NO SPIKA DA ENGLISH
>>
>>
>>A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
>>animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at
>>first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say
>>the following:
>>"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
>>once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
>>twice. Then I come one lasta time."
>>" You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
>>"In this country.......we don't speak aloud in public places about our
>>sex lives ......."
>>"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a
>>justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."
>>
>>I BET YOU GONNA READ THIS AGAIN!!!!!

[flash911]

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They
bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said
the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly.
"Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he
had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even
with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down
a few moments after take-off.

Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Seamus, "Any idea where we are?"

"Bejasus, I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[flash911]

a young couple 2 years into there relasionship decide to get married.

A few weeks before the due date, she decides to tell her boy he might want
to change his mind.

Ive got a confession to make she tells him, whats that hes says ??

Ive got no breasts she said i am flat chested,

thats ok he said sweetly,  its not the end of the world, besides ive got
something to tell you, what is it darling

Ive got a penis like a baby hes say, i can cope with that she says, we'll
be ok its not the end of the world.


Well the wedding day comes, they both have a wonderfull day and a cracking
evening dancing the night away.


When they finally get to the bridle sweet at there hotel, she takes all her
cloths off and bears all.


he drops his trousers, she takes one look and faints, when she comes around
she says i thought you had a penis like a baby, he says i have,








8lbs 21 inches.

[flash911]

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're
sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this
really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she
gets , and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The
bartender brings the drink and puts
the following on the bar -- A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of
lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. "
First, you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next, you drink the shot
of Baileys and hold it in you mouth, and finally, you drink the lime
juice."So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for
it.He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of
Baileys - smooth, rich, cool,
very pleasant.
He thinks - this is OK? Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it
....
In one second the sharp lime taste hits ....

At two seconds the Baileys curdles ....

At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.

This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to
disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,Jesus,
what do you call that drink?"
She smiles widely at him and say.................................................................................................................................................................................................... ................................................................................................................................................................"It's a Blow Job"

[flash911]

So this shepherd asks his Collie to count his sheep. Dog runs off and
comes back
> with the answer, '40!'
>
>
>
> Shepherd scratches his head.' But I only bought 38.'
>
>
>
> Collie responds.'yeh, but I was rounding them up!'

[flash911]

Subject: Fwd: You gotta luv de Irish!!!!



Paddy and Mick walking down a street in London. Paddy happens to look

in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said

"Suits £ 5.00 each, Shirts £ 2.00 each, Trousers £ 2.50 per pair".

Paddy says to his pal, " Mick, Look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and

when we get back to Ireland , we could make a feckin' fortune. Now when we go

into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if

they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best

English accent.' 'Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will.'

says Mick.

They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at £ 5.00 each,

100 shirts at £ 2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £ 2.50 each. I'll

back up my truck and ." The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from

Ireland, aren't you?"

"Well...yes," says a surprised Paddy "How der hell d'  y'

know dat?"

The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."

[Murph]

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to
arm bears.

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent
most of our family holidays in Customs.

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must
be sh*tting herself.

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard,
but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get
me to sleep at night.

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind
people were given pointed sticks?

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening...Self-raising?"

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots
and punched someone in the face.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have
thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the girl out of Cork..........

I got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.
Turned out it was a bloody hoax.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a
winner and a loser at the same time.

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".
The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you
go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want
with a plumber"?.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

[Murph]

I was in Safeway buying a large bag of Lucky Dog for my Labrador Retriever and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Lucky Dog Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 20 kilos before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Lucky Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

[Murph]

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper:   
 
HUSBAND WANTED
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70'S)
MUST NOT BEAT ME
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON !!

On the second day she heard the door bell ring.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair.                 He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said "You're not really asking me to consider you? You have no legs."
The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you."

She noted, "You don't have any hands, either."
Again he smiled, "Nor can I beat you."

She raised her eyebrow and gazed intently, "Are you still good in bed?"

With that the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said:


"I rang the doorbell didn't I."

[melinx]

Robin is lying on his deathbed surrounded by his faithful men; looking out of the window at the view of his beloved Sherwood Forest, he croaks "bring me my trusty longbow and an arrow, where the arrow lands, there bury me"

With his last ounce of strength he looses the arrow and falls back dead

This is why Robin Hood is the only man ever to be buried in the ceiling.

Another variation of the ancient legend finishes with : - 'But Friar Tuck refused to let him be buried up his backside'


I'll get me coat

[melinx]

What's the difference between a randy Eskimo and a Eunuch ?

One's a frigid midget with a rigid digit and the other's a massive vassal with a passive tassel !

I've still got me coat on

[melinx]

Headlines from American newspapers (2002)

CRACK FOUND ON GOVERNORS DAUGHTER

SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS.

POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS

IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS

IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS ?

PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE

PANDA MATING FAILS; VET TAKES OVER

MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH

JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT

WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE

IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE

COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES

ENFIELD (LONDON) COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE

RED TAPE HOLDS UP BRIDGES

TYPHOON RIPS THROUGH CEMETARY; HUNDREDS DEAD

MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING FACES BATTERY CHARGE

NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP

ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT

KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS

CHEF THROWS HIS HEART INTO HELPING FEED NEEDY

HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS CUT IN HALF

HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY SEVEN FOOT DOCTORS

[Rusty Arches]

Just been looking at some stuff on the net about conjunctivitis,

Its a site for sore eyes.

A psychic dwarf escaped from prison.

Police are looking for a small medium at large.

[melinx]

Mickey mouse is in the divorce court and the Judge, looking up from his papers says " I see that you want to divorce your wife Minnie because of her mental instability? "
 
" I never said that " squeaked Micky indignantly; " I said that I wanted a divorce because she's f***king Goofy "