Pedro
I'M A FILTHY TORY!
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Location: York
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« Reply #25 on: September 06, 2006, 08:59:54 AM » |
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A cigarette shortens your life by 2 min...
A beer shortens your life by 4 min...
A working day shortens your life by 8 hours!!!!
PMSL!!!!!  And so very true! |
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Do you know what "Nemesis" means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an 'orrible c*nt... me.
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Murph
Administrator
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Location: Dartford (Kent)
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« Reply #26 on: September 06, 2006, 09:00:35 AM » |
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Amen to that!
lol
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defold-git
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« Reply #27 on: September 06, 2006, 09:05:19 AM » |
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Yep!! Nobody left out here!!!
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE
1. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
2. What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity
3. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 kilos.
4. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
5. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
6. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
7. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over
them for life.
8. Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
9. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are
sensitive,caring and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
10. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
11. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
12. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
13. What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
14. Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and
refrigerator.
15. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in sixth grade.Who
has the biggest Boobs?
The blonde because she's 18!!
16. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your Mom.
17. How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
18 How do you know when you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
19. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
20. What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her navel.
21. What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A Bingo Machine.
22. Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex too.
23. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
24. What three two-letter words mean small?
"Is It In?"
25. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
26. If you are having sex with two women and one more walks
in, what do you have?
Divorce proceedings most likely.
27. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Tasmania?
Everyone has the same DNA
28. Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.
29. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter
than the other?
A speech impediment.
30. What does it mean when the flag at a US Post Office is flying
at half mast?
They're hiring.
31. What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in
common?
Men miss them all.
32. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
33. Why aren't there any Aboriginals on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future either.
34. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
35. What do you call a New Zealand farmer with a sheep under each
arm?
A Pimp.
36. What's the difference between a Japanese zoo, and an
Australian zoo?
A Japanese zoo has a description of the animal on the front the
cage, along with a recipe.
37. What's the Indonesian National Anthem?
Row row row your boat.
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im deaf so cant hear the noises
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defold-git
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« Reply #28 on: September 06, 2006, 09:07:08 AM » |
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now ive started im finding it very hard to stop! Jokes I have plenty of.
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im deaf so cant hear the noises
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defold-git
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« Reply #29 on: September 06, 2006, 09:10:08 AM » |
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After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough
as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong
enough to nick one. The husband went to his doctor and told him that he
and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him
there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it
was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework,
light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count
to 10. The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in
the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me." "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the
can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he
paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue
counting on his other hand...
This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Kent, Suffolk, Norfolk, Aberdeen and throughout Wales
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im deaf so cant hear the noises
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carltonman
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« Reply #30 on: September 06, 2006, 09:17:12 AM » |
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Murph
Administrator
Wanted: Life
Posts: 5917
Location: Dartford (Kent)
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« Reply #31 on: September 06, 2006, 09:37:19 AM » |
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PMSL
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defold-git
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« Reply #32 on: September 06, 2006, 11:05:48 AM » |
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im deaf so cant hear the noises
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defold-git
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« Reply #33 on: September 06, 2006, 11:07:08 AM » |
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A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.It was, and she said to her husband,
"It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm
there.
"But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its nose."
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im deaf so cant hear the noises
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carltonman
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« Reply #34 on: September 06, 2006, 01:40:26 PM » |
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oh no........not again! Oh god why, why.........
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defold-git
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« Reply #35 on: September 06, 2006, 02:12:40 PM » |
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because its funny, unless you live in Grimsby or Hull!
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im deaf so cant hear the noises
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carltonman
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« Reply #36 on: September 06, 2006, 02:32:31 PM » |
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But it hurts when I laugh.........wife says "mustard pack and cricket bat should help"................what does it mean?  ? |
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« Last Edit: September 06, 2006, 02:34:07 PM by carltonman »
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Dave the Builder
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« Reply #37 on: September 06, 2006, 04:33:36 PM » |
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If the above post contains spelling mistakes / grammatical errors / poor use of the quote function / a very weak retort, or is generally shyte; it's because I'm feked on a cocktail of drugs,homebrew and carb cleaner.sorry
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chrismec
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« Reply #38 on: September 06, 2006, 06:58:29 PM » |
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Wipping tears from my eyes Defold-Git  |
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defold-git
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« Reply #40 on: September 06, 2006, 07:33:22 PM » |
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and more of a similar vein, http://b3ta.hnldesign.nl/index.php?list=4you lot have really started something now, any more funny email adresses I can poke fun at? |
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im deaf so cant hear the noises
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defold-git
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« Reply #41 on: September 06, 2006, 07:37:11 PM » |
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im deaf so cant hear the noises
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blippi
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« Reply #42 on: September 06, 2006, 08:42:00 PM » |
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carltonman
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« Reply #43 on: September 07, 2006, 05:55:36 AM » |
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hands up who aint normal!!!
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Murph
Administrator
Wanted: Life
Posts: 5917
Location: Dartford (Kent)
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« Reply #44 on: September 07, 2006, 07:02:19 AM » |
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Me! Me! Me! |
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carltonman
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« Reply #45 on: September 07, 2006, 08:14:30 AM » |
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Me! Me! Me! Crikey Murph 3 hands.......that aint normal, that's handy!!!! |
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Pedro
I'M A FILTHY TORY!
Global Moderator
Wanted: Life
Posts: 6570
Location: York
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« Reply #46 on: September 07, 2006, 10:47:00 AM » |
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Define normal!
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Do you know what "Nemesis" means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an 'orrible c*nt... me.
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carltonman
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« Reply #47 on: September 07, 2006, 10:53:13 AM » |
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ok lets think here..........eh, ur, ah got it............ME!!!
Yeah Baby...........
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Murph
Administrator
Wanted: Life
Posts: 5917
Location: Dartford (Kent)
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« Reply #48 on: September 07, 2006, 05:13:49 PM » |
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Define normal!
It's a cycle on a washing machine - or so I'm told. |
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Pedro
I'M A FILTHY TORY!
Global Moderator
Wanted: Life
Posts: 6570
Location: York
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« Reply #49 on: September 07, 2006, 05:34:39 PM » |
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Talking of cycles, I had one once - it was called "Menstrual". Must have fallen off it once a month............... |
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Do you know what "Nemesis" means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an 'orrible c*nt... me.
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